Posted by: morrowsl | August 6, 2013

Honestly.

The end of this story is just that.  The end.  The part of an area that lies at the boundary.  A point that marks the extent of something.  The point where something ceases to exist <world without end>.

Someone I thought I could trust broke my trust and used me to excuse their own bad behavior.  I was shunned.  Then I was outcast.

And I suppose I was meant to feel bereft and lost and alone.

There was a time when that is exactly what I would have done.

But not any more.

I wasted ten whole years of my life trying to figure out why I was so useless and unworthy.  I tried very hard to wreck a third marriage because I knew, unlike he believed, that I was damaged goods and would never make a wife.  I was so certain that living with me, with all my anger and my trust issues and my failures, would send him bolting for the door and, just like the others, I would never see him again.  I had a history.  How could that be ignored?
I knew that my children would end up drug-addicted, or alcoholics, or worse, because I was not parent material.  I had no skills.  No patience.  Very little love to offer them.
I had a job, but no education, so even it was menial and small.  Not a career.  Just a job.  Any trained monkey would qualify.

And then I spent the next twenty years learning to be a partner and a helpmate and a friend.  I found solid ground and a rock to lean into.  My marriage IS my salvation.  It is where I know that I am a good person.  I am worthy of love and able to return love.  I am smart.  And kind.  And have value.
My children suffered greatly at my hands and that still bothers me.  But they are successful and happy and far better adults than I am.  And they still call this house “home”; they keep coming back.  We all can say “I love you” and know it is sincere and not superficial.

And, because I stand on a solid foundation, I have learned to take a leap of faith and throw my trust out and have it tested.  And to accept when others turn out to be the failures I once saw only in myself.  I no longer see rejection by others as a weakness in me.  I have listed each of my fears, faced them one by one, and conquered many.  I’m still working on a few, but I’m still moving forward and I refuse to back up.

The failure of others is their problem and they will have to slay that dragon without my help.  If they do not have eyes to see me, or ears to hear me, then they will also have an empty spot in them I once occupied.  For good or for bad.  And evermore.

This person who tossed my trust away like wadded paper isn’t a bad person.  Just not healthy enough to understand that I am not one to stand under a thumb any longer.  I did that.  I learned to step out of that shadow and into the sun.  I don’t take orders or follow “guidelines” created to hold me to someone else’s brand of creativity.
You were right.  It was not the right place for me.


Responses

  1. I hate that you had this experience. There WILL be another place for you to shine…without anyone to limit you! Your gifts are too special not to share…

    • Thank you, sweetheart. I think we’ll find a place that pleases us both!!

  2. I feel/hate the pain you’ve experienced but the person writing has a great story that teaches/needs to be heard and told. I’ve never met you Sheree but it seems as though we have. Stay strong and devoted, know that a foundation is what every friendship and relationship rests upon…….good or bad & that growth happens from those experiences.

    • Thank you, Lee.
      There are things in the last two blogs that even my kids didn’t know, so it was sort of a soul-cleanse. It’s hard to say things to your kids about a parent they never knew, especially since they have no way to form their own opinion(s). I always felt it wasn’t really my place to frame that person in their mind(s).
      Now there are no more secrets and I am truly free of all the things that caused the young me to be a less-than-my-best person. It’s almost like winning the lottery, you know?

  3. I do know. I have friends that talk about some of the things I used to do (just in general conversation) around my wife and she seems shocked/astonished. She recaps those conversations and we discuss “younger Lee” which her response is always “I dont know that person”. My reply “you wouldn’t have liked him. Growth and progress


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

The Trailhead

Life and death and sleeping on the ground

Trailhead Arts

Useful and occasionally irreverent fabric art

just ponderin'

life's wHeirdness and wonder

Insane for the Light

A guided tour through a blindside divorce

Rose's Cantina

The world as I view it

The View from Here

The world as I view it

%d bloggers like this: