Posted by: morrowsl | January 25, 2012

Two By Two

One week ago today, at 1:30ish in the morning, my cell phone rang and woke me from a brief but very sound sleep.  My son’s name flashed on the caller I.D. and I pretty much knew that whatever it was he was calling about was likely to concern his wife and their soon-to-be-born twins.  And I was right.  But when you figure that the babies were due in roughly two weeks and it was really late for him to be calling to get my lasagne recipe, it would have been pretty much impossible for me to have guessed wrong.

So, I woke the house, sent texts to my sisters and sister-in-law and youngest daughter, took a shower, and left for the hospital.  Two hours later I saw my twin granddaughters for the first time.  They were tiny and pink and perfect.  Somehow, I managed not to cry.

I’m not sure there are words that adequately describe how it feels to be a grandmother.  I’m not sure there are words that adequately describe becoming a mother either, but there are a lot of things that come pretty close.  Scared was one of my favorites.  Overwhelmed was another.  And amateur fits, especially when it’s your first child.  But when you’re standing in a hallway and that little rolling bassinet is coming toward you and you are faced with all the certainties that you didn’t have when the parent of the child in the bassinet was born, scared and overwhelmed and amateur just aren’t equal to the task.

THIS child isn’t bonded to you by nine months of listening to your hearts beating in tandem.  THIS child won’t necessarily love you unconditionally.  THIS child doesn’t depend on you for survival.  THIS child won’t be influenced by your every day presence in its life.  Those were the guarantees I was unaware of as a first time mother that I’m absolutely certain of now.  But those things don’t apply to grandmothers.  THIS child, THESE CHILDREN are going to take more work than any that have come into your life before.  Not to mention, THIS child has an ally!!!

Like I said, no words describe the fear.  Or the worry.  Or the unsettled feeling in your gut that isn’t a spasm or gas or heartburn.

What if I fail?  What if I’m the grandparent that they can’t stand to visit?  What if they scream every time I come near them?

I had the same feelings prior to meeting my first grandchild, my grandson, my Tater Tot.  Every now and then, I have them still.  And how unfair is it to him that, in spite of his telling me daily, MANY times daily, that he loves me, that I am his best friend, I still wonder and worry?  What silliness is this?  He would tell me in his best grown-up voice: “Mamoo, you’re full of beans!”

So, out of fear and worry and that feeling in my gut, I’ve been driving up to the hospital every day since the twins were born in an effort to learn all I can about them as soon as possible and hope that they will hear my voice and smell my scent and feel my presence and LIKE ME!!!

I will drive myself insane eventually.  But we all know how much kids LOVE crazy people.  So, it’s a win/win.


Responses

  1. How could they NOT love you?!? Tater would be right – you’re full of beans!

    • Much is assumed, but nothing assured.


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