Posted by: morrowsl | December 7, 2010

It’s beginning to look a lot like…

Haven’t blogged in quite some time.  Not avoiding it really, just haven’t had many days with nothing to do.  So, apparently now I do!

Summer is long gone, thank goodness!!  I really hope it’s some time before we have another summer like the summer of 2010.  It wasn’t just hot, it was just too damn hot!  When the temperatures hover in the triple digits and stay there, I get really depressed and tired and grumpy.  I was saying the other day that I really would like summer so much more if, like our snow days, the hot days would come around a couple of times a season and only last for 24 hours or so.  I would never complain about the heat again.

Long gone as well, I hope, are the days of grief and loss.  There were just too many funerals in 2010.  And while I know that dying is everybit a part of living and we are all dying day by day, the heartache of losing so many in such a short time has left a huge hole in my heart and I am bruised to my very soul with grief.  I will give up my loved ones as the clock ticks away, but I’m selfish enough to want to keep them all for as long as I can and to lose them only one at a time over as long a period as possible.

Not very realistic, I know.  But still…

The holidays have already been much too busy; Thanksgiving was insane and I have only me to blame for nearly crippling myself in the effort to make it “perfect” for my family.  I’m THAT person!!  But I think this may have been my last hurrah.  We had a huge crowd and everyone enjoyed the day, but the cost for me was a bit more than I’d bargained for and I think I finally learned my lesson.  Christmas will be very low-key and peaceful.  Maybe I’ll make a resolution for next year to be the beginning of my “quiet” years.

Those who know me well are laughing at that one!!

I do know that I have changed my mind about what is important.  It’s time to stop trying for “perfect” in my life.  Time to embrace the “perfect” in the imperfect.  Time to let go of all the rules and restrictions.  Earlier this year I promised myself I’d stop taking on all the problems of those I love, stop throwing myself under the bus every time someone in my life was unhappy or angry.  I didn’t exactly stick to my guns on that one, but I did make some small progress toward that goal and if I just keep in mind that baby steps lead to giant steps, I may just make it to the light at the end of the tunnel after all.

I’ve spent a lot of time reinventing myself.  For almost ten consecutive years I married, had babies, divorced and remarried annually.  But after three kids, two divorces and three marriages, I stopped the destructive behavior and grew up.  I took on the roles of wife and mother and employee like a good girl and tried so hard to be a conformist that I actually stopped working on who I was aside from Mrs. and Mom and M’am.  So maybe now is the time to find myself again.  Figure out what’s left after the kids grow up and the careers don’t develope into anything I really want to waste another hour on.  I’m still best friends with my husband and that relationship is the one thing in my life that, for some strange reason, is just what I want it to be.  And if nothing I do in the course of figuring out who I am now interferes with the me that makes him happy, it’s all good.

The year is winding down.  I’m ready for a new attitude.  It’s beginning to look a lot like… me.

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